Is Honesty The Best Policy
Just how honest do you get with friends? It is true that more often then not, it's best to just keep your mouth shut, especially when someone is going to get hurt, and most especially if you've had too much to drink. More often the not things are not as simple as they seem, and a lot of things need to be weighed up before you go rushing in head-first to play rescuer. Fact: most people don't need to be rescued.
But where exactly do you draw the line? If you overhear a group of people you work with being bitchy about a colleague and friend, which may affect their position, do you tell them? Or worse, what if you hear someone's job is in danger? I'm not talking about idle gossip around the coffee machine either, but hard and fast facts. Or what about the age-old one; what if you are out one night and see a friend of yours boyfriend (whom she's madly in love with) kissing another girl. Do you tell her?
When I was a teenager, I found out through my best friends that my sister's fianc'e was in fact having an affair with not one but two of my girlfriends. My friends had clearly deliberated about whether or not to tell me, as I later learnt they had known for some time. The fianc'e in question was not my friend and I could very well have gone straight to my sister and told her what a lying so and so she was involved with. More so, I was furious that he had had the audacity to cheat on her with two of my friends, and I was equally devastated that they could do that to her, and by association me.
It was an awful mess made up of a lot of intricate lies which extended into all sorts of other areas. I thought it through, taking into account the huge atom bomb I was about to set off, and how devastated my sister would be, and decided to confront him. He didn't deny anything, and I asked him if he would like to tell her, because if he didn't I most certainly would. He replied with a shocking display of indifference, by merely shrugging his shoulders and saying, "I guess not." It really made my decision that much easier, and I broke the news to my sister as gently as I could. She moved out that day and naturally called off the engagement.
In this case I think I did the right thing, in as much as I gave him the opportunity to tell her himself. Also, his lack of any visible remorse for his actions or her feelings, revealed that I had in fact made the right decision, though it was by no means an easy one. I'm not sure what a valid excuse might have been in this instance (not one, but two girls!), but he offered none, and throughout the whole exchange wore a rather annoying grin on his face.
I'm glad to say my sister moved on to better things (and boyfriends), and her lovely heart was mended that much quicker, after an extensive web of deceit was uncovered in the wreckage of that relationship. Her ex turned out not only to be unfaithful, but a thoroughly unpleasant sort, and certainly not someone she wanted to spend the rest of her life with.
Years later, a friend of mine was dating someone who completely used her, and treated her as a personal maid, and retirement option. He was unpleasant to her children, her friends, and increasingly unpleasant to her. One day she asked me what I thought of him, and I told her. We had a big fight about it, and I left feeling terrible thinking, "Why didn't I just keep my big mouth shut?!?" Some time later she ended the relationship and booted him out. She told me that what I had said, she had known for some time, but wasn't quite ready to hear, and admit to herself. I also think her reasons for asking me in the first place were based on an unconscious desire to hear what she herself already knew, and wanted confirmed.
She said (in retrospect) she appreciated my honesty, as a lot of her other friends had said nothing, and had let her continue with this chap, no doubt looking rather foolish. I don't think anyone thought she looked foolish, only that she was far too good for him and could do better. Ah, but how can you say this to someone, even when the guy/girl they are with is so terrible in everyone's eyes but their own?
And in the case of abusive relationships this can be even more difficult. When you see a sibling or friend making hypothetical excuses for their bruises (physical and or mental) with an embarrassed and somewhat terrified smile on their face, what do you do? Some people would say to leave well enough alone, and that your friend or sibling will eventually come to their senses and do the right thing. But how many more slaps and punches before they do, and what if a beating goes too far, and it's too late? It all sounds terribly dramatic, but these things happen, and in some cases, it is only because of a friend's honesty that people are able to leave these abusive relationships.
My own experience was less dramatic, but no less terrifying. After a particularly unpleasant and frightening incident, I called my sister. She returned the favour of honesty, and ordered me to pack my things and leave my partner pronto - she spared me any pleasantries or pop psychology. It was the best thing I ever did, and I am eternally grateful to her for her strong no-bullshit approach in that situation, which is exactly what I needed in my confused and fragile state. Had she not been so blunt, I would have lingered on in what was fast becoming an abusive relationship, and god knows where that would have led.
When it comes to honesty, I think there are a few things that need to be considered. Firstly, and most importantly, check your reasons for telling someone something. A lot of the time people may be honest to make themselves feel better about something, rather then wanting to help or be straight with others.
Also, make sure that what you are about to say is in fact going to be a benefit to someone. Sometimes, some things are best left unsaid as the alternative is serious damage. An example of this may be a mistake someone made, which is not necessarily a pattern of behavior. I heard of a woman who while on business got horribly drunk and slept with someone she met in a bar. She had a strong marriage and loved her husband and family, and was devastated and wracked with guilt. The advice columnist she wrote to told her that provided this was a once-off drunken mistake, why completely disrupt her family? Whether or not you agree with this I don't know, but I saw the logic in the columnists' advice. I do hope she had an Aids/STD check before retuning to the maternal bed however.
Always, check your facts, and make sure you are not acting on gossip and rumor. Do a lot of groundwork to find out as much about a situation as possible before diving in. Some things can be complicated and a lot more involved then what we might think. At a stork party I once attended, a woman started giving another party-goer diet tips, only to discover she had quite a severe glandular problem.
Be tactful, be gentle, and be kind. From telling a friend that she may want to choose a dress that has a better cut (read: makes her butt look less big), to letting him know that his girlfriend actually fancies girls. In fact most recently I was trying on an underthing at Victoria's Secret and came out of the changing room to get a full view of how it made my dress look. An older American lady complimented me on the dress, and in the nicest possible way said to me, "But that underwear really doesn't do anything for it, I hope you don't mind me saying so." I didn't and I agreed with her, and it helped me make up my mind that much quicker. Had she said something like, "You are far too fat for the beautiful dress my dear, I hope you don't mind, " I think things might have turned out a bit differently.
And finally, above all else, unless absolutely necessary, never give an opinion unless asked for one. As hard as it may be to believe, someone may not care for your opinion on a particular subject (this one I have learnt the hard way and am still learning it), and also, when you have that inevitable fight, it's that much easier to be able to yell back, "But you asked me!"
Credit: umad-dating-advices.blogspot.com
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